


Your Hand in Mine

by vox_ex



Series: Supergirl Redux [9]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: And someone to hold her hand, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Danvers Sisters, Hurt/Comfort, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2019-10-29 23:12:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17817362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vox_ex/pseuds/vox_ex
Summary: When Kara gets hurt she just wants to be able to hold her sister’s hand. Alt ending to the fight scene in 4x11.





	1. Kara

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't been able to write much for reasons both big and small and so I know it's been a while but I hope you all like this even if it's a bit short. 
> 
> What if Kara got hurt in front of Alex as Supergirl while she still doesn't know who she is? Otherwise known as I was listening to Explosions in the Sky and this one scene got stuck in my head so I figured I might as well try to write it down.

You don’t see how it happens. You don’t see the gun pointed at your chest until Alex is already stepping in front of you. You don’t see it, but with all the confusion and all the anger and all the hate, there is a part of you that understands it, that sees the fear in the young agent’s eyes and forgives him for it. 

Alex tries to get him to stand down. She orders him to lower his weapon and tells him you are there to help because even without her memories of you, she is still trying to do the right thing, still trying to remind them that Haley’s hatred isn’t the way to make things better. 

And you can hear the fear in his words as his hands shake. 

“We have orders…C-Colonel Haley said if sh-she showed up, that we, we had to take her in.” 

Can hear it hidden behind a mask of duty and doubt as his eyes move from you to Alex. 

But it isn’t until you see the green tint at the end of the barrel that a part of his fear becomes your own. 

“Look around, we need her help.”

He turns his head side to side at Alex’s words, sees the other Agents around them trying to get control of the fighting. And there is a second of hesitation then, a moment when his finger falls away from the trigger that you know you could stop him, that you could stop all of this right now, but Alex takes another step forward and then she’s too close and there's too much that could happen if you try and too much that could go wrong. So you don’t move. You just stand there, hands held in front of you as if begging for both of their trust, but you can hear the commands coming through Alex’s comms, you can hear the demand for back-up and Haley’s voice telling her to let him shoot you if he has to. 

She looks back at you, her hand gripping tighter around her sidearm and her eyes searching yours for some kind of answer, for some kind of reason to choose you over them. And you don’t know what it is that she sees, what reason she finds to believe in you but for some reason, it’s enough. 

She pulls her earpiece away and steps again toward the other agent, this time her hand reaching out toward the gun that’s still pointed at you. 

“She is not the enemy right now. She is not who we are fighting. We need to stop this, and we need her help.”

You watch as Vasquez steps closer then too. 

Watch as the agent looks away from you again. 

Watch as the fighting gets closer. 

Watch as his arm finally starts to lower. 

And it feels like all you’ve done is watch — feels like all you can do is watch. 

Even as you hear the sudden noise that echoes around you. 

Even as you see the moment the fear in the agent’s eyes returns. 

Even as he jerks the gun back up. 

Even as his finger pulls around the trigger. 

You know you move, know you shield yourself around Alex, but before you can even hear the sound of the bullet you’re on the ground, your ears ringing and your heart pounding. Your hands push into the ground, your body turning on its side as you try to get one of your arms underneath you. You need to get up, need to make sure Alex is okay. You try again, but this time you feel hands pushing you back down, feel them pressing into your side. And it’s only then that you feel the pain, only then that you see Vasquez above you yelling at someone over her shoulder. She stands up letting go of your side just long enough for you to feel like you can breathe again but your lungs burn with the effort it takes to try. You reach out, your shaking hand grabbing onto Vasquez’s leg and she looks down at you, a barely muttered curse falling from her lips as she kneels next to you again, hands pressing against your side as the pain returns. 

“Shit…okay…shit, you’re okay.”

You try to say your sister’s name. Try to ask if she’s okay. But if you say anything at all, she doesn’t hear it.

You try to get her to listen, try to get her to look at you. You push at her hands with as much strength as you can even as she pleads with you to stay still. 

“No, I’ve got to keep them there. I’ve got to keep the pressure on it.”

You try again to say Alex’s name, and you finally hear the broken sound of your own voice as the desperate look in Vasquez’s eyes gives way to confusion. 

She turns away from you again, but this time she doesn’t let go. 

“Danvers. I need you!”

And it’s then that you finally see Alex, see her pushing herself up off the ground and away from another agent as she stumbles forward towards you. 

You can feel her hands shaking as they take over. Feel the weight of them, the comfort of them even through the pain that has started to give way to numbness. You can hear Vasquez's hurried replies as she relays Alex’s commands into her comms, can hear the silence that follows and the static that is the only answer. And when you look at her you know she understands what it means as much as you do, that both of you know now that no help is coming. 

You hear her tell Vasquez to call J’onn instead. Hear the disbelief in her words as she kneels above you, her eyes searching for someone else who can help, for something else she can do. 

“Why the hell did you do that? Why the hell would you do that?”

Her hands tug at your suit and press into your side looking for the bullet you both know is still there. 

And it's not the only time she's had to try and save you, and it's not the only time that she's seen you bleeding in front of her, but there is a different kind of desperation in her voice now and a different kind of fear in her eyes as she calls you Supergirl instead of Kara. And you don't know if it is better like this. You don't know If it will hurt her any less if she loses you like this; without knowing who you are, without knowing who she couldn’t save. 

You think of all the times she has seen you hurt, of all the times she has almost lost you and how you had always tried to hide your pain, had always tried to hide how scared you were from her because you didn’t want her to have to see you like that. And for the first time, you are thankful that she doesn’t remember, because then it didn’t matter how scared you were now. It didn’t matter because Alex didn’t know. 

So, you reach up, your hand wrapping around her arm as you try to get her to look at you again. You just need her to look at you. Because you want to tell her you love her even if she doesn’t know why, and you want to tell her you’re sorry even if she doesn’t understand it, and because you’re scared. Because you’re just so goddamn scared and you just want to hold your sister’s hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I feel a little bad for leaving it like that, so if you all are interested I was thinking about trying to write another chapter from Alex's POV. Let me know what you think. As always comments and kudos are welcome and appreciated. I'm also over on Tumblr @vox-ex if you want to leave something there.


	2. Alex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex's POV. 
> 
> A little off canon maybe because in my head Alex would still be trying to do the right thing even without her memories of Kara and she would still be trying to protect Supergirl, she just wouldn't know why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all the comments and encouragement on chapter one. I hope the second chapter doesn't disappoint. I know it’s maybe a little to much of a re-hash of chapter 1, but when I decided to add another chapter this became more of a setup chapter.

There is nothing about what is happening that makes sense. Nothing that doesn’t make you question right and wrong or make it any easier to know who you are meant to fight and who you are meant to protect. But you know yourself, trust yourself, and so when you pull up to the scene and shout orders to your agents it feels like the right thing — Evacuate those stuck inside, stop the Children of Liberty, stop the violence, protect those who are innocent. It’s the right thing, the right orders, and it should be a simple mission, but too soon it all starts to go wrong.

The fighting is harder than you expect, the violence harder to control, and quickly your agents feel outnumbered and overwhelmed. You can see them getting defensive, see them losing control, and you know how easily that can lead to fear, to hesitation, to mistakes.

But just as you are ready to demand back-up, to pull them back, suddenly Supergirl is there. And for a second you can’t help the relief that you feel even if you know you shouldn’t. Because she shouldn’t be here. She can’t be. Not after the Morai, not after disobeying Haley’s warning to stay away.

She can’t be here, but she is.

And there is something about her that demands your trust. So you forget you aren’t on the same side anymore. You forget Haley’s hatred of her. You forget her orders to stay away and the warnings about what would happen if she doesn’t.

She lands in front of you, placing herself between you and the fighting that surrounds you without hesitation. And you know your orders, know that if she interferes you’re supposed to bring her in. But still you don’t lift your gun, you don’t tell her to stand down. Instead, you watch her move forward toward the fighting, watch her try to make sense of the chaos just like you — and just like you, you know she is trying to do what she thinks is right.

The fighting is loud and frantic, made dangerous by the ricochet of bullets and veil of dense smoke. It’s hard to hear, hard to see, harder still to understand who the enemy really is.

Moments later, you find her again, see the red of her cape as it shields a small child from the ashes and embers that fall around them. She stands, hands guiding the child back into the arms of her mother. You see the other agents start to realize she’s there, see the conflicted looks they give you. Most of them waiting for answers, for you to act so they can follow. But there are others who are ready to react, ready to fight an enemy they do not understand but have been told to fear.

You look at Supergirl, unaware of a danger she cannot see; still trying to protect them, still fighting beside them. And you try to tell her to leave, you try to tell her she can’t be there, but it’s not out of duty or orders, it’s out of something that feels too much like fear and the need to protect her.

You try to tell her, but the sound of a gun cocking sounds first.

What happens next happens too fast to understand and too fast to stop. You turn, and see the gun held in Agent Wilson’s hands pointed at Supergirl’s back. He is trying to tell her to stand down, but she doesn’t hear him, his voice too unsteady and the noises around them too loud. He tries again, and this time she turns, but she still doesn’t see him, doesn’t notice the way his finger slides to cover the trigger ready to shoot her. And you don’t know why you do it. You want to think it’s because it’s the only right thing to do — find yourself hoping it’s because it’s the right thing to do. You don’t know why you do it, but still, you step in front of the gun.

“Wilson, lower your weapon now.”

He looks from her to you and you can see his hands shaking with fear, hear his voice wavering in its conviction.

“We have orders…C-Colonel Haley said if sh-she showed up, that we, we had to take her in.”

And you do. You have orders to detain her if she tries to interfere again. But just because Haley was willing to start a war with Supergirl didn’t mean you were.

“Look around, we need her help.”

You see him register the words, see his eyes moving quickly as if just remembering where he was and the real danger they are standing in the midst of, but he doesn’t lower his weapon, doesn’t know who he is expected to trust.

Haley’s voice echoes in your ear, telling you to control the scene, ordering Wilson to detain Supergirl, reminding you both he has permission to shoot her if she fights back.

Your own hand grips tighter around your gun, but you don’t know who you are getting ready to protect.

You look back at Supergirl, see her standing with her hands held in front of her even as the flames burn behind her and ash settles at her feet. And you don’t know what answer you are asking her to give you. You don’t know if you are looking for an answer at all. Maybe you are just trying to see what Haley does, maybe you are looking for something to be afraid of. But even if you are, you don’t find it.

So you make your choice, you choose your side, and if anyone asked you why or how, all you could say was that it didn’t feel like a choice at all.

You turn back toward Wilson, ripping your earpiece out and ignoring the lingering anger in Haley’s voice.

You can hear the sounds of the fighting still, can see your agents gaining control, but it is still too dangerous. And even if it’s only been less than a minute, a minute is still too long to be standing still like this.

You try again to reason with him.

“She is not the enemy right now. She is not who we are fighting. We need to stop this, and we need her help.”

And you believe every word of it even if you don’t know why you should.

You see him look away from you again, watch him try to decide which voice in his head is right.

You see Vasquez move up next to you ready to step in if the Children of Liberty get too close.

You see the moment he makes the decision to trust you over Haley.

You see the gun lower.

You see everything but the door of the barn as it finally buckles under the pressure of the fire, everything but the way Wilson jerks his gun back up at the unexpected sound. You see everything until there is nothing to see but the sky above you.

And for a second you can’t breathe. It’s too hard and hurts too much. Your hands reach down expecting to feel the bullet lodged in your vest, but there’s nothing there. You try again to take a deep breath and this time you do, but it still hurts. You check yourself again, looking down at your hands but there is no blood either. You push yourself up onto your knees, one hand bracing your side as your breathing evens out. You hear the sound of boots on the ground getting closer, hear Vasquez’s voice calling your name as you push yourself up the rest of the way.

Wilson is still standing there, but the gun now lies forgotten at his feet as if maybe he was never holding it at all.

Vasquez calls your name again, and it sounds wrong, it sounds scared. But it isn’t until you see her that you know why, that you realize where the bullet you thought is still lodged somewhere in your vest really was.

You stumble forward, the pain in your side protesting the quick movements, but you know now why it hurts, feel the sudden burning memory of something colliding with you as you see Supergirl lying in front of you, blood staining the ground underneath her as she fights to breathe.

Your hands shake as they reach out, pressing against the wound only for it to feel useless because you know what kind of bullet was in Wilson’s gun, you know because you’re the one who gave it to him that morning.

You tell Vasquez to call for an evac, you tell her they need to get the sunlamps Winn designed, you tell her, but there is no answer to any of it. Nothing but the silence and static and that is Haley’s deafening answer to your defiance.

You look at Vasquez again.

“Ca-call J’onn, tell him what happened, tell him we need him to come.”

And you know what you’re asking of her is against both of your orders. You know what it could mean and how much it could cost you. But the truth is it doesn’t matter anymore. And when you look down at Supergirl, see the blood on her crest and both of your hands you know each of you have already made your choice.

You feel Vasquez leave your side and for the first time, you find yourself looking at the hero’s face and the frantic feeling that something is missing returns.

“Why the hell did you do that? Why the hell would you do that?”

She looks back at you, eyes finding yours with a silent answer that you don’t understand but feel desperate to know.

You reach out, hands pulling at the frayed edges of Supergirl’s suit as your helplessness turns to desperation. Maybe you can get the bullet out. Maybe if you get it out, then she will start to heal.

You try to let her know what you are going to do because you know how much it will hurt.

“Supergirl, I need, I need to get the bullet out. You have to stay still.”

And you don’t know if she hears you. If she understands at all what is happening through the haze of pain and shock, but you hope she does. You hope she knows you are there, that you are trying to help her.

Your fingers press into the torn flesh and you feel her body try to retreat from the pain, her back arching off the ground, but you can’t feel anything. You shift your hand, try again, but this time you feel someone grab your arm and your eyes fall once more to the hero’s face and her blue eyes now clouded by tears. She tries to say something but the words don’t make sense and you wonder if she thinks you are someone else, if she wishes you were someone else. You feel her grip tighten somehow, feel a strength in it that it shouldn’t have. You look at her and you see the pain she is trying to forget, you see the fear she can’t hide. And it is the fear that makes you stop. The fear that makes you take her hand in yours. That makes you think of your sister and reminds you of nights she was too scared to sleep and you held her hand like this. And you don’t know why you think of Kara then, why the hero’s hand in yours feels like hers. But when J’onn finally pulls her from your arms, when her hold on you finally breaks, you can’t help but feel like a part of you is missing then too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I am thinking I am going to add a third chapter that explores what happens after this scene, but let me know what you think. 
> 
> As always I love hearing from you all so feel free to leave some kudos or comments if you want or come find me @vox-ex on Tumblr too.


	3. Remembering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex remembers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I didn't really have a plan after chapter 2, I am kind of winging it from here on out but you all have been so nice that I'd thought I'd try to add a couple more chapters. Unfortunately, this means a little more angst on the way first. Sorry it's not longer :(

Alex feels the hands pulling her to her feet. Feels them pull her back, pull her away from her broken thoughts and the ground stained red with blood. They pull her away, and there isn’t any time to think about what’s just happened, not when Vasquez is already shoving her gun back into her hand, not when the other agents still need her to lead them. 

The fighting doesn’t last long after that, but every step, every punch, every bit of anger she has for the enemies in front of her is made heavier by the blood still on her hands, and if the bullet she puts in the last Child of Liberty’s leg is too much no one says anything. 

Haley is waiting for her when she comes back. She knew she would be. And there is a look in her eyes that warns of what will come next, but Alex pushes past her, ignores every word meant to stop her. It's already too late; she thinks anyway, and she needs to get away. Because there will be plenty of time for blame and accusations, but right now she just needs to be alone, needs to try and forget the feeling of Supergirl's hand in hers and why it had hurt so much to let go. 

She slams through the doors leading to the locker room. The sound of the door hitting the opposite wall echoing like the gunshot she can’t stop hearing. Her fingers pull at her uniform, tearing away the vest that feels too heavy and too tight all the sudden. And the pain in her ribs is trying to tell her to slow down, but she feels like she can’t breathe anymore with it on and soon it's falling to the floor as her hand comes up to cover the spot where the bullet should have hit her. 

She can feel her heart beating too fast underneath. 

Can hear the sound of the gun firing again. 

Can still feel the weight of Supergirl's arms around her pushing her to the ground. 

She grips the sink, stares at her hands and the blood and dirt that now mar the edges of it, but she doesn’t dare look up at the mirror in front of her because she doesn’t know if she wants to see the person she is in that moment — doesn’t know if she would recognize her if she did. 

She turns on the water as hot as it will go. Feels the pain of it against her skin as she waits for it to fade into numbness, for the water to run clear — she waits to forget. But as the water washes over her hands, they don’t feel numb, only empty, and like the fear in Supergirl's eyes, it is that emptiness that makes her stop. And it's then that all the sudden all the pain and all the fear and all the anger feels so familiar that it is too impossible to ignore. 

It feels like something she should remember. 

It feels like something she has forgotten. 

She pulls her hands away from the water, stumbling back from the sink until her legs hit the edge of one of the benches and she lets herself collapse onto it. 

Her head drops into her hands and she closes her eyes as if there was something in the darkness that would make sense. But like the water and the pain, it does nothing to make her forget, only reminds her of fear and emptiness. 

And she doesn’t know why it feels like this. 

She has seen people shot. 

Has watched them die. 

She has even been the one who pulled the trigger. 

But it’s never felt like this. 

Not since she was a kid. 

Not since she had to listen to her mother tell her that her father wasn’t coming home. 

And she tries to tell herself it’s because of who Supergirl is, that it’s because of what will happen if she’s gone. She tries to tell herself it’s because she knows her life isn’t worth hers; that it’s guilt and not grief that won’t let her forget the fear in her eyes. 

But there's something in her that knows it's something more. 

And there's the one question in her head that won't leave her. 

Why?

Why had Supergirl trusted her?

Why had she saved her?

Why does it hurt so much to think that she might have just watched her die?

But there are no answers. 

Not to the fear she saw in Supergirl's eyes. 

Not to the emptiness she still feels in her hands. 

And not to the aching feeling in her chest that remembers what it's like to lose someone you love. 

She can hear the water still running in the background, can hear the sound of the door opening behind her and the endless ringing of her phone, but none of it is louder than the voices in her head still asking questions she has no answers to. 

Her hands fumble for the phone buried in the pocket of her uniform, she stares at the screen and at the tainted droplets of water that fall onto it as she struggles to answer it. 

And it's like that that Haley finds her. That she feels herself pulled again to her feet. Pulled again from her broken thoughts. The phone in her hand falls to the ground, the screen shattering as the ringing finally stops. She does nothing to fight back against the hands holding her in place, nothing to stop the onslaught of Haley's anger. 

"From now on, you will do exactly as I order." 

The words fade in and out. 

"Exactly when I say."

Broken apart by images. 

"You're lucky you're not in handcuffs." 

By memories. 

"Your command is now mine."

And suddenly she is in another room. 

"If you have any reservations about obeying..."

And suddenly she remembers the words that had come next. The threat they had made to her, to her family.

She remembers the tears in her eyes as she listened and the sting in her hand as she watched Haley fall. 

She remembers Supergirl next to her....she remembers Kara next to her. 

She remembers. 

She remembers, and as she feels every lie that had been holding her together fall apart so does she.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always for reading. It's always great to hear from you all, so feel free to leave a comment below or stop over to my tumblr (vox-ex).


	4. Pain and Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a bit of a one-shot that got a little out of hand, but I'm in it until the end now. Hope you all can hang in there too. As always thanks for all the comments and everything, I really like seeing which moments stand out to you all.

Alex doesn't realize at first that the pain she remembers is the same as the pain she feels now. Doesn't understand what it means until she sees Haley on the floor in front of her. But then the anger she feels, like the pain, is as real as anything else at that moment. 

More memories come back, more tears fall. She sees Kara again, feels her in her arms as she asks her to let her save her this time. Realizes then how she failed. 

Alex pulls her hand back, desperate for someone to blame, for someone else to hurt as much as she does now. Her fist connects again with Haley's face and this time there is no mistaking what it means, no doubting that the pain is real. She grabs the front of Haley's uniform with one hand and pulls her up and pressing her into one of the lockers. Her breathing is fast and heavy, and her voice shakes with anger. 

"You know nothing about my command, about my orders, you know nothing about me, about those agents out there or what you’re asking of them. Wilson might have pulled the trigger, but you made him. You! And for what!"

Alex can feel the tears and sweat dripping down her face as she waits for an answer, for a reason. 

But Haley doesn't say anything, and Alex can't take the silence. She needs a reason. If Kara is dead, she at least needs there to be a goddam fucking reason. 

She punches the metal next to Haley's head. 

"For what!"

She looks down at the other woman, her hands shaking as her grip tightens around the fabric of her uniform. But Haley just looks back at her, and there is a fear in her eyes that Alex knows too well. She isn't afraid of her, and she isn't afraid of the pain, she's afraid she's failed, she's afraid she's lost something — someone. And it's then she remembers what Haley's next words to Kara had been—Your friends, your family, everyone you care about would have a target on their back — she thinks of the picture on the Colonel's desk, the one of a young girl, the one of her daughter. 

Her hand falls to her side and the woman in front of her sinks back to the ground. Alex sees the pity on her face, sees it mixed with blood and tears and for a second, she wonders if somehow she's remembered too. If she knows what she may have taken from her, if she knows that she traded one life for another. 

Alex steps back, realizes her anger doesn't matter now, that her pain doesn't matter now, that revenge and hate don't matter now. All that matters is Kara. 

She closes her eyes, sees her sister in front of her, sees the blood on her chest, sees her reaching up to hold her hand. And she knows that even if J'onn took every one of her memories that it was something she would never be able to forget. 

Haley doesn't try to get up, doesn't move from where she sits on the floor. It's just the two of them, alone with their failures, alone with the unknown consequence of forgotten promises. 

Alex turns away, reaching the door only to stop when Haley finally answers her question. 

"I was just trying to protect her."

But she doesn't look back. She doesn't need answers; she needs her sister. 

"So was I."

\---- ---- ---- ----

Kara could feel the unrelenting heat of the lights around her; it was the feeling of being covered in a shroud of still burning embers. She could feel the pull of each fiber put back in its place, could feel the way her body tried to stitch itself closed again. She isn't sure anyone understands what it feels like to have to be put back together again and again. She's never told Alex. She isn't sure she would understand, that anyone could. She isn't even sure she could put it into words. It never felt the same, never hurt the same. Sometimes it's only a second. Sometimes it goes on for days. After Reign, it felt like it might last forever. But however long it was, it was never painless, never easy to be aware but unable to move. It reminded her of the endless expanse of space and of time that didn't pass. In a way, she felt ashamed of it. She was ashamed to lament the pain that no matter how unbearable was always temporary, that in the end left no scars. But maybe like she had finally let herself be scared she could let herself give into the pain now too. To admit what it cost. What it took. What it left behind. What did it matter anyway? What was her pain to anyone now? Alex wasn't here. Brainy wouldn't feel it. Lena wouldn't even know it. And J'onn, she thinks maybe J'onn has felt it already too. 

\---- ---- ---- ----

J'onn walks into the brightly lit room, the white lights somehow overcoming the amber hue of the sunlamps that dominate one side of it. He holds his phone in his hand, trying again to reach Alex. And there is a part of him that is thankful when the call goes unanswered because then there is more time. More time to know what answer to give, what kind of comfort to offer, what truths will have to be told. 

He looks at Kara lying alone, and he thinks how many of the memories of her he had taken from Alex. How many of them were of moments like this? Alex wondering if Kara would wake up? If she would be okay? Of watching her leave ready not to come back. And Kara would tell him that Alex didn't deserve another. That maybe it is better like this. But he knows that even though those memories were full of fear and anger and guilt, that they were also full of love. They were memories of whispered comfort, of thankful embraces. They were memories that reminded them both that the symbol Kara showed to the world was really a promise made to each other — stronger together. 

He remembers the last thing Alex said to her before he took her memories. 

Everything is going to be okay.

And somehow even then it had felt like a lie. It was never going to be okay. He should have said no. He should have thought of another way. He could have fought beside Kara instead. Could have never left. He thinks how in choosing peace he keeps causing pain. But Kara was the one to taught him how to let go of his guilt. Who told him how she lived each day with the scar of surviving etched into her heart and was made stronger by it, that she loved more fiercely because of it. So he will not let it break him now. He owes her that much. 

He walks closer, places a hand on hers as he tries to remember an old Kryptonian prayer his father had taught him. He speaks it softly, almost silently, and when it ends, he realizes he is no longer alone. 

Lena is there beside him, her deft fingers adjusting the wires heading under the thin gown Kara now wears in place of her torn suit. 

"I need to find Alex."

He sees her nod her head, watches the gentle movements slow, her hand sliding over Kara's hand to replace his own. 

"I won't let her be alone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Lena thread will make sense soon (aka next chapter) but the Danvers sister s are still front and center. I keep trying to guess how many chapters this is going to be, but honestly, I have no idea at this point...1,2,3 who knows. But if you keep reading I'll keep writing so leave a comment if you want below to let me know how it's going or come yell at me on Tumblr @vox-ex.


	5. More Than A Feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're reading this, then thanks for hanging in there. I know updates are sporadic at best, but I'm trying I promise.

Alex can feel her hands shaking as she makes her way out of the room. She looks down again at the cracked phone in her hands. She struggles to make the buttons work, but it's useless, the screen only flickering as it fades to black. She curses, throwing the phone to the ground as she finds herself alone again. Her hands go to the side of her head, trying to stop the voices and the memories and every feeling of Kara that is coming back. She sees her as a broken girl, feels her arms around her, remembers every time she has seen her hurt and broken and every single promise she made to always be there for her. And it's too much. It's too fucking much. She stumbles the first few steps, not sure of which direction to go or of who she could trust. She doesn't even know how long it's been. She tries to remember how much blood Kara had lost, how much of it had been on her hands and on the dirt beneath her and she tries to think how long it would have taken for her to bleed out. She counts the minutes in her head, counts them, again and again, hoping she is wrong. It's been too long. It feels too late. But if she can just find her then maybe it isn't. Maybe she can still help. Maybe she can keep her promise. Maybe she can still save her. 

She finally gets her feet underneath her enough to make her way to the med bay, she pulls a bag off the shelf and starts grabbing anything she can think to take. Bags of saline, suture kits, gloves, gauze. And somewhere in her head, she knows that none of it is what Kara really needs. That what she really needs is blood, and surgery, and sunlamps. That she needs to have not had a bullet tear through her chest at all. Alex pulls the bag closed and tries again to steady her hands, but they won't stop shaking. She tries to force herself to take a breath, tries to make herself slow down, but the sound of her name never allows it. 

"Alex"

And she feels herself torn instead between hope and fear when she sees J'onn standing in the doorway. 

\---- ---- ---- ---- 

J'onn is expecting Alex's anger; he is expecting her confusion and her panic. He had seen as much in her eyes when he took Kara from her arms, had felt it in the thoughts she couldn't hide from him. 

He is expecting her to be scared, but he is not prepared to find her broken.

"Where is she."

And he isn't prepared for her sister's name to be the one she utters in between shallow breaths and quiet tears. 

"Kara...where is she."

He isn't prepared for her to remember. 

"Please, just...please"

He steps toward her, reaches out trying to pull her into his arms.

"Alex"

But her hands push weakly at his chest, and he can still see the blood she hadn't been able to wash away. 

"No. I need you to tell me."

And he can't help but hear the rest that goes unsaid. 

Tell me it wasn't real. 

Tell me I'm wrong. 

Tell me it wasn't her. 

But he can't. 

And he can't take this memory from her too. 

"She's safe. I promise she's safe."

He steps toward her again, His arms wrapping around her shoulders as her head falls against his chest. 

"I-I need to see her....I-I don't care...I need. I just need to see her."

\---- ---- ---- ---- 

Lena adjusts the wires again. She can't seem to make herself be still, can't seem to stop herself from taking Kara's hand. She tries not to think about how cold it is. Tries not to think about how the feeling of Kara's hand in hers is something she has allowed herself to know even when she had told herself for so long she wouldn't. She tries not to think how long it would take her to forget it. Tries not to think about the only other time she knew the feeling of someone's else touch so clearly. 

For a long time, she could still feel it. She could feel her mother’s hand in hers, could feel her arms around her. It felt warm and safe, and she held onto it as long as she could. But after time, after everything, it had faded like every other piece of her; the memory of it still there, but the feeling of it gone. And it had hurt so much to lose, had cost so much to forget, that every time she felt herself trying to hold onto someone in the same way again she had made herself let go. She could tell you how it felt to be held, but nothing of the person’s arms she was in. She could tell you how it felt to be kissed, but never once did she let it feel like love. It was easier that way. Easier to be forgotten than to forget. And she was good at being forgotten. She was good at letting go. She was comfortable with distance and pushing everyone away.

Lena looks down at Kara’s hand, at their fingers laced together and the traces of blood and dirt still etched into her pale skin. 

Everyone until Kara.

And still, she had tried. She had held herself back, had kept herself from feeling too much. But with every touch, she found again in Kara the safety and the warmth she had lost. She could feel it again, feel it more than a memory. And she should have known it was too much to ask, to accept, to allow, to let herself be promised these things again. It was too much, and she should have known that in the end, it would only hurt. Because soon like every other part of Kara, every touch felt like nothing more than a lie.

Lena focuses again on Kara, on the gentle rhythm of her breathing, counts the steady beat of her heart.

She had been ready to forget again.

But then Kara had come to her. And she wasn’t asking for forgiveness. She wasn’t asking her to understand. She stood on her doorway with tears in her eyes and pain in her heart, and she didn’t ask anything of her at all. Instead, she stood there, and she gave Lena her trust. She came to her broken and alone and scared, and she gave her herself—all of her. And she had come not because she was the only one left, but because with her she could be broken. Because in her arms she could grieve. She could be the daughter who lost her parents, she could be the hero who lost her fight, and she could be the girl who just lost her sister. 

Lena thinks of the desperation in Kara’s hands that night. How they ached to be held, to be known. She thinks of today, of how Kara had reached out as J'onn cradled her in his arms and she watched the blood fall to the floor beneath them. How Kara had been reaching for her sister, how her hands had stilled when they found her own instead, how for a second at least she must have found some kind of comfort in them, how Lena hadn't wanted her to let go. And it’s then she realized that holding Kara’s hand was a feeling she couldn’t make herself forget. Not even when she knew how much it would one day hurt. Not even when it hurts so much now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a comment below or come yell at me on tumblr if you prefer @vox-ex. I think there will definitely be a scene between Alex and Lena and Kara will get her moment with each of them, but let me know if there's anything you'd really like to see as this story wraps up.


	6. Your hand in mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy finale day. Thanks to everybody for reading and for all the encouragement you all gave me and the patience you all had even when it took too long to try and this all right.

_Everything is going to be okay_.

She remembers the words. Can hear the conviction she tried to say them with.

_I can’t._

She remembers the words. Can hear the broken tenor of Kara’s voice as she turned away, unwilling to watch as she lost someone else.

_I just came back from a world where you didn’t know who I was._

It’s like every step begs for a memory to follow it.

_I’m still going to be me. And you’re still going to be Kara, my sister._

Like every second is proof of everything she’s forgotten. 

And when she finally steps into the room, other memories come back too — memories of Sam, memories of Lena desperate to save her. But gone now are the bright lights and reinforced walls. In their place, a glow of warm amber and a set of chairs pulled up close to a single bed. Kara’s suit lies torn, discarded among the remnants of the efforts it took to save her. Alex knows then that the room may have been different, but Lena’s desperation had been the same. And It doesn’t feel real. But she isn’t sure which part feels like a dream. Whether it is forgetting or remembering that hurts most. And there are so many things to hate in that moment. 

The scared look in Lena’s eyes.

The guilt in J'onns voice.

The anger inside herself.

The pain she couldn’t protect Kara from.

But she has already felt enough hatred today, has let it take from her too much, and after everything, it isn’t hate that she needs, just her sister. 

Getting closer she watches as Lena stands from one of the chairs, sees her move to let go of Kara’s hand. But she doesn’t miss the way Kara’s fingers tighten unconsciously unwilling to let her. She doesn’t miss either the look in Lena’s eyes that tells her she doesn’t want to. And so she offers her a silent look that tells her it’s okay, that tries to prove to her that she belongs right where she is, that thanks her for being the one by Kara’s side when she couldn’t be. 

Everything is going to be okay.

She thinks of the words again as Lena tells her that Kara’s body is healing, that she’s been waking up slowly.

Everything is going to be okay.

She reaches down, fingers brushing aside Kara’s hair. She watches as tears fall onto the back of her hand.

Everything is going to be okay.

She falls down next to her, tired, scared, and just barely unbroken. She takes Kara’s hand in hers and she whispers the only prayer she knows to a god she isn’t sure she believes in anymore.

Everything is going to be okay.

She thinks of how scared Kara had been, about the words she had tried to say. She thinks of her reaching out, of her trying to hold on.

Everything is going to be okay.

She rests their hands together on Kara’s chest, feels the steady rhythm of her heart beneath them until finally, the words stop feeling like a lie.

Everything is going to be okay. 

\---- ---- ---- ----

She never asked to be the one who survived. 

It's a thought that always comes after and it comes again now. It comes with the numbness that surrounds her and the heaviness in her chest that is always the last to go away. 

But she never says it out loud; lets it be another thing she has always kept hidden. And she had already given into so much. She had let herself be scared, to feel alone, to give into the pain. But even now she doesn't let herself give into this too. Because even now there was something left to hold onto, something in the struggle to survive again that felt not of fear or pain, but of comfort and love. 

She felt it first when Alex had given in to her last efforts to hold onto her; when the warmth on her hand had replaced the pressure on her chest. 

She felt it still in J'onn's arms, in the strength with which he held her to his chest as everything else faded away. 

She feels it first again when the sound of Lena's heartbeat breaks through the echo of the world returning, when her body no longer lies broken but is still barely together. 

And she feels it now. 

Feels the tears on her skin and the hand in hers as it shakes and falters and then finally holds on.

She feels it when she is not ready to face the darkness alone again. When she is not sure she could keep herself together this time with only her own arms to wrap around herself.

And even if it is unsure and even if it is broken in its own right, there is something in what she feels that she remembers, that she could never forget. But still, for a second, she thinks she imagines it. Imagines Alex there. Imagines she is not forgotten after all. But then she hears the prayer Eliza once taught her whispered in her ear and she knows it's real, that her thoughts could never be capable of such a perfect lie. So, she knows it's real. She knows Alex is there. And it’s enough to lift the heaviness, to bury again the guilt, to remind her that everything she always fights to come back to is still there. 

\---- ---- ---- ---- 

Alex doesn’t once let go, unwilling to move now that she has found the thing she has felt herself missing —that she is afraid again of forgetting. 

She grounds herself in the feeling of her sister’s heart beating underneath her hands. Imagines Kara listening to her own heartbeat after every time they had almost lost each other. Remembers her sitting in her arms with her ear pressed against her chest as she learned its rhythm for the first time. She looks again at Lena next to Kara and at J'onn standing beside them all. She thinks of Eliza back in Midvale. She thinks of how Kara carries a piece of each of them with her like this always — a steady sound to prove to herself she is not alone. And she hopes that Kara at least had that part of her to hold onto when she didn't have the rest of her. 

Alex feels another tear fall. Watches it follow the same path as the rest as she leans forward, placing a kiss to the back of Kara's hand that is still gripped tight in her own before resting her head on her sister's chest unable to get close enough. 

\---- ---- ---- ----

Kara feels Alex's head fall against her chest. She thinks of the crest that she wears there. She thinks of what it means. She thinks of it somewhere torn and covered in the blood and dirt meant to keep the promise that it stands for — a symbol of hope and of family. 

She opens her eyes to the lights above her, a halo fills her vision and she tries to blink away the last of the darkness. Lena is there, her hand resting on her shoulder with a silent smile and a simple touch. She watches her step back, following her eyes down to where Alex's head rests and Kara knows that later they will share a moment like this too, but she is thankful that she doesn't have to try to be that strong yet, that she doesn’t have to find the words for all the things that need to be said. So Kara just nods and Lena squeezes her hand once more, the tears in both their eyes saying enough for now. 

She looks back down at Alex and lifts the hand that Lena had held slowly trying to reach out. And suddenly she is back on the ground, the dirt cold and hard beneath her as she tries to tell Alex she loves her, tries to tell her she's sorry. But this time when Alex looks at her, there is no confusion in her eyes and no hesitation in her touch. This time she holds her hand back as tight as she can. 

"I missed you so much"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again. If you have a second let me know what you guys thought. I really struggled to get this last part right so I hope it was okay.


End file.
